Help

I have a really hard time asking for help. I was raised to be strong and independent, confident and sure of myself, and while those were great lessons, as an adult I find it difficult to say I can't handle something on my own, that I need more than I can give myself.

I believe in turning everything over to God, in asking him to take my fear and make me strong, I believe in the power of prayer and in doing good deeds so that those deeds may come back to me, but I have a helluva hard time asking people to help me. I have this idea that needing help is somehow weak, that if I were stronger/better I could handle everything on my own.

But, I can't. I have to sell my house and my student loan debt is out of control and my personal life is locked in a necessary but painful stasis and I feel like I have about as much control over my life as I do the weather which I guess is true but also scares the living hell out of me.

So, this is my plea to the universe: send me strength. Send me the power to ask for help. Send me the wisdom to know it when it arrives. Send me the ability to receive it with grace. Send me help. I need it.

News

I learned on Wednesday that my little girl dream of being a published writer is coming true.  Blood Lotus, an online journal, accepted my poem "Resurrection" for its May issue. 

As I look into publishing more and more it appears putting poems on blogs is a bad idea for would-be published writers, so I've taken all my poems off this blog and won't be posting new ones.  Which stinks because I love this forum and the feedback I occasionally get, but I want so very much to do this for real, so I am committing to the rules set forth by the industry.

I have a notebook from when I was eleven that says, in hot pink ink, that I will one day be a published writer.  It took 24 years--admittedly I was not dogged in my attempts that entire time--but the day has come.  And I freaked out.  Did you see the video of Kristen Bell losing it on her birthday when her boyfriend arranges for her to meet a sloth--an animal she has loved her whole life?  Her reaction was part joy, part shock, part full blown crazy town panic attack, and I love her for it because that sums up Wednesday for me.

When you want something so much, pray for it, work toward it, convince yourself it probably isn't going to happen, then have renewed hope, then give up again, etc. etc. etc., when the day comes that you get what you want, it can be way. too. much. to. process.  I was wildly excited, proud, scared, anxious, panicky, feeling sorry for myself that all my loved ones were busy so we couldn't rush out and celebrate, afraid to celebrate because then I might jinkx it, and on and on on.

I never really thought it would happen, that I'd be able to say I'm a published writer, but it had and I am still, a couple of days later, reveling.  I probably shouldn't be by most people standards.  I should just sit back, play it cool, pretend like I expected it all along, but that isn't me.  I have wanted this for so long that I am going to allow myself a couple of more days to really enjoy it.  After all, being published for the first time only happens once, and this once belongs to me.

First Love

Tomorrow may be a Hallmark holiday for many, but to me, it's always been proof real love exists.  It's my parents' anniversary, and though their road hasn't always been easy, it has been real, and so have they.


I am learning about real love every day, and trying to understand its myriad twists and turns.  One part of that includes this piece, which I wrote today, as a Definition essay example for my seniors.  Here's to first love, new love, old love, all love.  Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.

First Love

First love, or puppy love as it is often called, is usually defined as an infatuation, a passing attraction, nothing serious.  It is our first experience, as human beings, of being more interested in someone else than we are in ourselves, and those first feelings can be overwhelming.  The first time Allan Gurganus fell in love, it was with a married woman who, at twenty years older than he, seemed exotic and full of promise.  Of course, at eight years old, everything feels exotic and full of promise.  Gurganus, an American novelist from North Carolina, didn’t need to have hit puberty to understand the kind of total obsession associated with first love.  He was in third grade, a smart kid with a beautiful teacher who gave him extra attention, and he knew—all year long—that he was in love. He did not think it was fleeting, something that would pass away with time, and in fact, forty year later, he is still writing about it.  The truth is, no matter how much we pretend it does not matter, our first love shapes our concept of love for the rest of our lives.

Imagine you are a six year old girl.  You come home from school one day and discover a puppy has been adopted by your family.  The puppy is a Golden Retriever, a soft yellow ball of fur and love.  She licks your face when you come home, sleeps curled up in a ball at the foot of your bed, and accompanies you on the walks you take around your block.  As you get older, you start to play sports and train to be a runner.  Your puppy, Goldie, is now a four year old, fully grown dog who wags her tail and smiles at you every time you walk in a room.  There is no one and nothing who loves you as she does.  In high school, you date, you get your heartbroken, but Goldie is always there for you.  You go away to college and miss her so much, it is as though one of your arms has been amputated.  And then, without much fanfare or warning, Goldie dies.  Your first love passes away and with it all of your hopes and dreams for a love that can last forever.

Did you always know Goldie would die?  Of course.  Did you understand she would not live your whole life with you, side by side, laughing and wagging?  Of course.  But the loss of Goldie, the end of your time together, makes you leery of love, and you learn not to give your heart away so completely because it can only end in pain. 

While we do not all grow up with a pet, the scenario outlined above is common.  Be it animal or human, when we attach ourselves to something or someone and then lose them, it can be devastating.  Children learn this lesson and it sticks with us, impacting our future relationships even when we don’t realize it.

Perhaps your first encounter with love was a fairy tale.  There is a common misconception that women are the only ones who buy into the dreams of true love living happily ever after, but many young men ache for that same kind of connection and security.  So what happens when a young man, kind and considerate, compassionate and loving, gives his heart to a girl who throws it in the trash only to stomp it like garbage beneath her slutty boot heels?  Well, that young man is going to be disillusioned and afraid to love again, closing himself off from future love in an effort of self-preservation.

Not all of the examples are negative, of course.  Many of us have happy experiences with our first loves, two people who care deeply for one another, share good moments and make loving memories together only to grow apart, maturely and without any of the drama and pain associated with angsty teenage breakups.  But, the reason there are so many sad stories to tell is that first love can be rough, full of the kind of weepy, angry and devastated moments that make up some of our best love songs.

When we lose the person or object of our affection, we can beat ourselves up, thinking we do not deserve love or that it will never come our way.  We can shut down emotionally and decide never to let anyone in again, or we can decide that our experiences so far have been so bad that they simply have to get better the next time, right?  So we take another shot.

First love, no matter how we encounter it, has an impact that ripples far beyond those initials pangs of joy so sweet it is almost pain.  When you see the person you first fall for and your heart stops, your breath catches in your throat, and you know if you could only get the chance to make that person happy, you would never ask for anything else in this world.

Our world is divided into parts and pieces than any one person could ever list.  We separate ourselves by our race, our gender, our sexual orientation, or religious beliefs, our political affiliations, whether we like Coca-Cola or Pepsi, if we prefer winter or summer, the list goes on and on.  But the thing that unites us, if we can only take a moment to remember it, is love.  So, this Valentine’s Day, think about your first love and how it affects you even now.  And remember people all over the world are thinking about it, too.  In fact, somewhere, someone may even be remembering you.

Steve Earle. 'Nuff said.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZ2V9w9W6aY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Lines

There's a fine line between who I want to be and who I am.  Some days, these two ladies meet up and it's like a party you wish you'd been invited to--good music, laughter, delicious food that won't make you fat--but others days it's the sad ass party you threw as a kid that no one, not even your stuffed animals wanted to attend.  The one where everyone was supposed to speak in a foreign accent and sip tea like they liked it even though no one really discovers tea until their twenties.

That line is fine, hard to see, but it trips me again and again.  Just when I think I have a handle on how to be a friend and teacher, a daughter and sister, a woman and still--deep inside where very few people get to look--a little girl, something happens and I am tripping all the hell over that line, mixing those women up into a cocktail of doubt and anxiety and swirling purple strains of sadness.

I read recently, in Nicholson Baker's "The Anthologist", that old lilac wood, deep in its center, has streaks of deep purple in it.  I've been obsessed with that image, that heart of color beating inside something that seems outwardly dead, something royal buried in something forgotten.  I feel like there is that in me ("I know not what it is, but I know it is in me"): that same richness is here, but I have to be cracked open to get to it and I'll be damned if I'm not tired of cracking. 

I don't want to have to trace these lines or watch out for them or fill them in with expensive products or color within them.  I want to acknowledge their existence and move the hell on but who ever gets to do that?  It feels like an impossibility, most days, that moving on.  But I'm trying.  I am, forver it seems, trying.

Fishers of Men/The Strength of Fields

Some days, the right words come along and stun me into silence.  I'm headed out to read at church this morning, Psalm 62:5-12 and Mark 1:14-20.  The latter has always been one of my favorite passages--that we can become fishers of men.  I am not one for proselytizing or preaching on street corners; a person's road to God is his or her own personal business.  But I've always loved the notion that behind the fishers of men line, that if we are passionate and honest enough, we can unite people to our cause, give them a sense of their own power, infuse them with the light that shines in us.  I don't think that infusion has to be relegated to faith, though it's clear that was Mark's intention.  I think we can light ourselves as we light others, filling and refilling our own depleted souls through the sharing and telling of stories that brings people always always together.

And that sharing can give us purpose.  Today, James L. Dickey says it better than I ever could.

The Strength of Fields

BY JAMES L. DICKEY

... a separation from the world, a penetration to some source of power and a life-enhancing return ... 

Van Gennep: Rites de Passage 

Moth-force a small town always has,   

          Given the night.

                                           What field-forms can be,

         Outlying the small civic light-decisions over

               A man walking near home?

                                                         Men are not where he is   

      Exactly now, but they are around him    around him like the strength

Of fields.    The solar system floats on

    Above him in town-moths.

                                             Tell me, train-sound,

    With all your long-lost grief,

                                             what I can give.   

    Dear Lord of all the fields

                                             what am I going to do?

                                        Street-lights, blue-force and frail

As the homes of men, tell me how to do it    how

    To withdraw    how to penetrate and find the source   

      Of the power you always had

                                             light as a moth, and rising

       With the level and moonlit expansion

    Of the fields around, and the sleep of hoping men.

       You?    I?    What difference is there?    We can all be saved

       By a secret blooming. Now as I walk

The night    and you walk with me    we know simplicity   

   Is close to the source that sleeping men

       Search for in their home-deep beds.

       We know that the sun is away    we know that the sun can be conquered   

   By moths, in blue home-town air.

          The stars splinter, pointed and wild. The dead lie under

The pastures.    They look on and help.    Tell me, freight-train,

                            When there is no one else

   To hear. Tell me in a voice the sea

         Would have, if it had not a better one: as it lifts,

          Hundreds of miles away, its fumbling, deep-structured roar

               Like the profound, unstoppable craving

            Of nations for their wish.

                                                      Hunger, time and the moon:

         The moon lying on the brain

                                                    as on the excited sea    as on

          The strength of fields. Lord, let me shake   

         With purpose.    Wild hope can always spring   

         From tended strength.    Everything is in that.

            That and nothing but kindness.    More kindness, dear Lord

Of the renewing green.    That is where it all has to start:

         With the simplest things. More kindness will do nothing less

             Than save every sleeping one

             And night-walking one

         Of us.

                   My life belongs to the world. I will do what I can.

3 Things Worth Watching

Justin Townes Earle, Trailer for "Nothing's Gonna Change the Way You Feel About Me Now" 3.27.12

L.P., "Into the Wild"

Melody Gardot, "If the Stars Were Mine"

Good Reads

If you are a bibliophile and you're not using Good Reads, you're missing out.

You can review books you've read, build a digital library, read reviews of things you're interested in reading, connected with other book loving like minded friends, win books in random giveaways (I just received my first--a hardcover copy of Salvage the Bones by Jesmyn West--it won the National Book Award), and you may be solicited by Good Reads editors to submit questions to your favorite writers for upcoming features on their site.  Today, I wrote three questions for Anne Lamott.  Anne Lamott.  As in Bird by Bird, Traveling Mercies, Plan B, etc.  I love her, and because I read constantly and use this site, she may answer a question I wrote.  So cool.

So, anyway, Good Reads.  I cannot recommend it enough.  Join it, find me, let's read together in 2012.

Who's in?

Let Go

When I was in high school, I was pretty.  I didn't know it then.  I look at pictures of myself from that time and think, man, I had a good figure, great hair, but I thought I was overweight and strange looking.  That my hair was too big, too blonde, my hips too wide, body too...developed.  The girls who were sought after played sports, had flat chests and wore size two jeans. I was bookish, curvy, and a size twelve.  I wasn't big, I just felt that way--conspicuous--like all eyes were on me.

And, because I was self-conscious, I didn't date much.  I also thought most boys my own age were stupid--which admittedly, may of them were--I'd been reading since I was three and made it through the entire College Prep List by the time I graduated simply because I wanted to prove I could.  That wasn't sexy or alluring, it was just weird.  I had friends, I even had a couple of odd relationships that you might call boyfriend-girlfriend, one junior and one senior year.  They each ended tragically--the former when he paid $5 to enter a building I was in watching a friends band play just so he could break up with me, the latter about three weeks after I had sex with him (my first time) so he could take someone else to prom.  Winners, those guys.

In retrospect, and I can only say this in retrospect, I was probably a lot to handle.  Emotional, clingy, desperate to be loved.  But still, they were pretty dickish, right?

And I had male friends.  Lots of them.  I was the girl they all wanted to talk to about their relationships, the one they told their problems to, problems with parents and teachers, friends and girlfriends.  And, when we were at parties, after a couple of drinks (almost always them, not me), they wanted to kiss me.  To tell me how pretty I was, how they wished they could meet a girl like me, how they would so date me if it weren't for some girl whose name ended in an 'i' or an 'ee' or a 'y'.  And I, emotional, clingy, desperate to be loved, let them kiss me, kissed them back, always thinking on Monday morning they'd see me at school, remember our fumbling liplock from Saturday night and know, in that hazy moment in the SVHS hallway, that I was the one they really wanted.

But, as these stories always go, that didn't happen.  Instead, there was awkward avoidance (theirs) and hurt sulking (mine) that had to smell like sulphur on a hot day, the slow smoking pain of adolescent rejection rising like so much smoke off the burnt orange carpet.

That feeling of rejection, of being someone's secret, of not being good enough to like in public has haunted me for twenty years.  I've felt less than, humiliated, unwanted, and plain old shitty about myself for so long that now, at an age when I finally feel ready to embark on a real relationship, I'm scared to death that I'll wreck it because I can't quiet that fifteen year old girl in my head who says not to trust, that it's too good to be true, that--come Monday--none of this will matter.  But in my heart, I know it does matter.  That love can exist, that something good can be true, I know it can, I just need to let myself live in that knowledge.

So, I need to let go of that voice.  I need to let go of that girl.

Here's hoping I can.

I Would Prefer Not To...

In this crush to resolve, well, everything, I find myself oddly uninterested in resolutions--making them, achieving them, working towards them--in large part because I don't think we ever really resolve anything inyour lives, we just learn how to move through or beyond it. So, when it comes to making resolutions this year, I would prefer not to.

Like Bartleby, I find it profoundly depressing to scuttle through the same slog day in day out with little to no variation, I don't like doing things simply because it is expected of me, and I certainly don't want to live a small life (see Mojo, etc. for an excellent post about this fear). And making resolutions, saying I resolve to do this or that, seems to feed in to all of the three things above. Every year, I--and millions of others--make resolutions that we break within days or weeks simply because our resolve to be resolute is leto than our desire to remain exactly who we are. It's easier to stay static. Change is a bitch in four inch heels with better hair and a more expensive wardrobe than I could ever afford. So screw her.

But, even though I would prefer not to make any resolutions, I find myself fixating on the what ifs. What if I did work harder to save more money, what could I accomplish? Travel? Paying off some of my debt? That elusive beast known as financial security? What if I did lose some weight, not because I need to look better (I really truly do dig how I look, it took awhile, but i'm there), but because I'd like to feel better. A little less back pain, sleeping better because my body was exercised and healthier. And what if I really could let go of all the past hurts and insecurities and live, truly joyously, presently live I this day, this moment, and in the radiant light of a hopeful future? What if what if what it.

So, this year, though I prefer not to make resolutions, I have decided to make myself a few promises about trying. No absolutes, just suggestions for myself ppthat, unlike resolutions, won't leavening me buried in a pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk when I slip up.

This year, I will try to be more forgiving of myself first so that I am more capable of forgiving others.

This year, I will try to place physical health and well being on my list of priorities.

This year, I will try to attend church more not because I need to perform my faith for it to be meaningful but because that space centers me and guides my feet for the week ahead.

This year, I will try to think first before I react to situations that threaten or scare me.

This year, I will try to love myself as unconditionally as I love others.

This year, I will try.

End. Begin. End. Begin.

" For last year's words belong to last year's language
     And next year's words await another voice."
--T.S. Eliot


Last night, made up, readying for a night on the town.

This morning, no make-up, cleaning the house, laundry, taking down the tree.

I am happy to report that finally, at 35, I don't have a preference when it comes to these two photographs.  Time was, I would have died before showing myself without make-up, but now...this is who I am.  And I think she's pretty okay.  


So here's to 2012.  It's just has to be better that last year.  It just has to be.

Would It Be Better If...

It's the end of another year and I find myself as reflective as ever, hours spiraling away like cottony dandelion heads blown by breezes far too warm for any self-respecting December afternoon in Kansas.

Nothing and I mean nothing feels real today.

I could chronicle in grisly and gothic detail the year that ends tonight, I could recount months spent coming to terms with myself as a divorced woman, as a woman who experienced a transformative return to faith, a woman who loved a man so desperately she nearly lost her mind when he disappeared, a woman who had to hunt through the dark, cold and alone and terrified, to find the only light she could ever actually be guided by lived and lives inside her own heart.  I could tell all those stories, but none of them alone says what I need to say today.

I keep wondering, would it be better if I'd made this choice instead of that one, if I'd said no instead of yes, if I'd spoken instead of stayed silent, sung instead of whispered...in the end, though, a year is a drop in the path of a human life, not even enough of a rock to impede your path unless you let it.  I am choosing, today, to walk past this last year, to give it back to the earth, to say no thank you and to happily, and hopefully, accept the next stretch of time as one that will be better.  I deserve it.  You deserve it.  We deserve it.

1957, Milo Greene

Light

First day of holiday break.  Shopping/errands, laundry, "Crimes & Misdemeanors" on HBO, Charlie Rose w/Angelina Jolie, some new Caramel Chai tea, gave the dog a bath, now watching "You've Got Mail."

I love this movie for so many reasons.

1. It's New York, and though I don't think I could ever live in that city, it is incredible and I have been itching, itching, itching to revisit it for a very long time.  I especially want to go here: The Strand

2.  It's about bookstores, and people who love books, and smart people who love to talk about books.

3.  It's about falling in love with someone whose heart and mind speak to you on a level you didn't know existed.

4.  But most of all, it's about hope.  That everything will get better, that life can be beautifully rich and lovely and full of warm sweet tenderness and I love this movie because I want all of that.  All all all of that.

So, happy holidays, all.  Here's to light in 2012.

Dark

I can't tell yet if the malaise I've been feeling lately is tied to the holiday season and it's lack of snow/good cheer/general kindness, or the strained relationships with some of the people I love most, or if I'm just in a particularly undefinable but completely unsettled mood, but--whatever the root cause--I find myself stunned to tears by the smallest gestures of kindness lately.  I think I'm hungry for something more beautiful and less complicated than my own life.

I cry at commercials, at bad television shows, inspirational videos, my dog playing with me, so effortlessly happy in her running around that I want to choke on my own inability to be--simply--joyful.  Where did that go?  Honestly.  I have no idea.  I used to count myself a pretty joyful person, optimistic, hopeful, ready to believe that all would be well with little to no encouragement because beauty and possibility trumped darkness and fatality at every turn.  But, now...

Not so much.

The person I want to be--strong, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, loving, loved, inquisitive, trusting--is in here somewhere, I know.  I've met her and she's pretty outstanding.  It's just that lately she is buried under this scared little girl who wants guarantees that everything will work out okay.  And because those guarantees don't exist, much as she loves the sun, she'd rather sit in the dark and wait it out, knowing in her heart that all the magic she imagines may be nothing more than illusion, and that these dark hours are all she can count on.

All I want is a little joy.  A little safety.  A little assurance that everything is going to be okay.  I know I can't have it without trusting myself, trusting God, trusting the people I love.  I know that.  It's just easier said than done.

An Open Letter to Jay-Z

Dear Mr. Carter,

I want to first thank you for the amazing contributions you have made over the past five years towards the lessons I teach in my high school classroom. I've used "99 Problems" to discuss the need we all have to name our issues. When my students were learning about allusions, we spent a day studying "Empire State of Mind."  And, just this semester, I've been teaching the concept that words matter, that they have value, so when my Midwestern male high school students use the word SWAG over and over again in an effort to establish they have swagger, I remind them that you are the poster boy for swagger in part because you never need to say you have confidence or infuence. You have it, so people know you have it and, conversely, people know you have it because you do.

I read today that you recently told reporters you would be happy to pay higher taxes if the cause were a just one: education, children in poverty, etc. I impressed with your specificity here, making our poorest children and the intellectual concerns of our American children such an important piece of you life.

As a high school teacher (with a masters degree in my content area--English), I make less than $50k a year and am crippled by student loan debt. This letter, Mr. Carter is my way of asking your charity to start smaller.  No need to rush to the IRS to amend a return, there is a faster way to begin contributing to education.

I'm asking you to choose ten teachers from around the country who owe over $100k in student loans, and then you pay off their debt.  It would cost over a million dollars, but you would be guaranteeing decades of lower stress for people doing one of the country's most exhausting and thankless jobs.

I recognize that you are busy with your own child on the way, you are on the throne so many of us are watching, and I am certain you have many projects to address at this time. I only ask that, now, at the holidays, you consider giving a gift very few people are capable of giving. Give ten teachers their lives back, keep us from scrambling paycheck to paycheck, let us love what we do without that love crippling us financially.

Finally, you could have read anything else in the world today, but you read this from me, and I appreciate that.

---Ms. D

Thankful

I am thankful for:

--My relationship with God.  I feel such strength in acknowledging and actively participating in my life as a woman of faith.  I had doubts for a very long time--I still do, in fact--but I believe anyway.  Isn't that what true faith is?

--Therapy.  The couple of months I spent talking to a complete stranger about the fears I've carried for years helped me to let down so many burdens.  I feel lighter, freer, and more capable of loving myself than I ever did before.

--My job and my students.  I wake up every morning excited about my day, thrilled that I get to speak to inquisitive young men and women who are learning about the world and their place in it.  Their optimism and curiosity is the greatest byproduct of my job; I am so proud to be a teacher.

--Love.  Over the last year, I have discovered real love cannot be denied or ignored, hidden or masked, forgotten or undone.  This is quite possibly the most shocking and breathtakingly beautiful lesson I have ever learned.  It is also without a doubt the hardest.

A few lamps are lit, the house is aglow with warm yellow light, the only sound in the room is the breathing of my sleeping dog.  In this stillness I hear my heartbeat thumping out two words, over and over: thankful, thankful, thankful.

Reading

This morning I (1) finished a novel, (2) read a tongue-in-cheek manual on how to be a good boyfriend, and this afternoon (3) I read another novel.  

I find, often, that words are the escape I need when I can't articulate what's happening in my own life.  It's not that I don't know what I want to say, it's that the language with which to say it is so evasive it may as well be a boy--okay, boys--I made out with at parties in high school who, come Monday, look at me like I am a visitor from another planet.  Words can be just that distant, with that same glassy 'please don't talk to me and make me admit we were close in any sort of way once' stare.  I have loved language longer than I have loved boys, but that doesn't make it any easier to adore.  

When I read something that makes me vocal--a sigh, an inward 'mmm hmm,' a catch of breath at something to beautiful to be real--I know that work is good.  Maybe not all 215 pages are well crafted, but that one sentence or phrase that gives pause, that yanks sound from deep within my chest and forces it through the thick red wall of my throat until the noise escapes, hanging in the room like yardsale curtains, lovely and thrilling for being cheap but always somehow feeling like they belong in someone else's house.

Emily Dickinson said to Thomas Wentworth Higginson--a man she saucily propositioned with the a version of the question "Tell me sir if you think my poems might be alive?"-- that she only knew if a thing were poetry if "...it makes my whole body so cold no fire ever can warm me I know that is poetry. If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry. These are the only way I know it.  Is there any other way?"  (and even she was stealing--this is apparently paraphrased from her sister-in-law with whom it is rumored Emily was quite enamored).  My point is, all of us, at one time or another, get the itch, the bug, the burn. the wild hair to express just what it is these magical expressions of others have done to us, and even we--writers by choice, word lovers by fate--don't always know how to do it without paraphrasing.

These are three things that got me today.  I hope you read something that moves you soon, and I hope you share it with me.

1. "We have a great belief, those of us who live in this income bracket and this postal district, in the power of words: we read, we write, we talk, we have therapists and counselors and even priests who are happy to listen to us and tell us what to do.  So it comes as a bit of a shock to me that my words, big words it seemed to me at the time, words that would change my life, might just as well have been bubbles: David  swatted them away and they popped, and tehre is no evidence anywhere that they ever existed. 

So now what?  What happens when words fail us?"--How to be Good--Nick Hornby

2.  "Think of the first boyfriend, Adam. You think he wasn't baffled by his girlfriend? You bet he was. Now, there's a guy who could have used this book. You may not think he needed it -- after all, he was alone in paradise, had some snacks, and Eve was already naked. But we beg to differ.

Their problems weren't over money, getting out of dinner with her parents, or his addiction to online poker. No, their issues revolved around a small piece of red fruit. God said, "Don't eat it." Eve said, "If you love me you'll bite." The poor guy had God on one side and Eve on the other; talk about a rock and a hard place. Adam tried to reason with his girl, warning her of the dangers of breaking the one rule God had made, but she wouldn't listen. From her point of view it wasn't about the apple or God (she wasn't hungry and had never even met the Big Guy in the sky), it was about whether her boyfriend took her seriously and understood her feelings. Sound familiar? In her mind, Adam was trying to control her … again. Talk about a power trip. Who died and left him in charge? There he was telling her what to eat, what not to eat, and by the way, was this "don't eat the apple" thing his way of letting her know he thought she was fat? Great."--The Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend--Felicity Huffman & Patricia Wolff (I bought this for the 50s noir book covers that corresponded to each chapter title but decided to  read the dang thing before I cut the book apart)

3. "Lying in bed, at night, my stomach growled. I rolled over and tucked my knees to my chest. I saw myself smaller and smaller, like a seed in the black night soil of the earth. Here were the stars and here was the city. Here was the net of the world and I was waiting deep down inside it.

In the morning, I took one piece of strawberry-blond hair and cut it with a razor, zigzag bangs across my forehead; I hemmed my skirt three inches above the bare knee; I blacked out my eyes with kohl, just like Astrid did. I had always been such a nice girl; I was still such a nice girl. My mother took one look at me and asked, "Why would you want to be like that?"

I ask you, why, why not?"--Whores on the HIll, Collen Curran

New Words

I am buried by grading which tends to exhaust and irritate me.  However, I learned two new words today--thanks to the inexpert editing of my students--that I simply must share with you.

MULTIPUBLE, as in "he had done so multipuble of times", and PANTYHOES, as in "he kept his girlfriends pantyhoes to remind him of home".

Who's got the OED address?  These are in dire need of being added.

Whitman

Most days, I believe there is something in me greater than myself.  A capacity to love, an inclination towards compassion, an ability to empathize.  Most days, I am confident, secure in the truths I know about my strength, my talents, my worthiness of love.  Most days, I can shake off a bad dream, the kind that wakes me in a sweat, hair sticking to my neck, mouth dry, throat parched as if I've been screaming.  Most days, I know everything is going to be alright, that all will be well, that the dreams I have will come true.
On the other days, I read Whitman.  From "Song of Myself" (section 51):

There is that in me... I do not know what it is... but I know it is in me.
Wrenched and sweaty... calm and cool then my body becomes;
I sleep... I sleep long.
I do not know it... it is without name... it is a word unsaid,
It is not in any dictionary or utterance or symbol.
Something it swings on more than the earth I swing on,
To it the creation is the friend whose embracing awakes me.

Long Overdue

Music has been a part of my life longer than I can remember.  The story around my house is that the first song I ever learned was "She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel from the '77 record The Stranger.  I don't recall my parents owning this record, but I learned it somehow--radio most likely--and would wander around the house, two years old and already crooning, the word 'woman' over an over again.  As in, 'woman woman woman.'  Even then, I knew what I was going to grow to be.

For a while this year, I've had a hard time listening to music.  So much of it inspires such bone deep reactions--from tears to melancholy to the unbridled wildness inspired by Heart's Barracuda.  Seriously, if I'm ever pulled over for speeding it will probably be because I was listening to this song and singing at top volume.  There are moments in life when my own emotions are so close to my skin that I simply cannot hear a song that will push me over the edge.  But, I'm not having any of those moments right now.

In fact, I can't get enough of my music.  I was wandering through old cds last night and realized how much good music I own that I never listen to simply because I get caught up in whatever's current in my ipod or cd player.  Today, grayish cold and windy, I am going to wallow in my music collection, cassette tapes, vinyl, and all nearly 1000 cds will get a peak, what to keep, what to retire.  I haven't been this excited about a long indulgent Saturday in a while.  Here's the gem from the morning--if you haven't heard this in a while, you--like me--are long overdue for a listen: