Dark

I can't tell yet if the malaise I've been feeling lately is tied to the holiday season and it's lack of snow/good cheer/general kindness, or the strained relationships with some of the people I love most, or if I'm just in a particularly undefinable but completely unsettled mood, but--whatever the root cause--I find myself stunned to tears by the smallest gestures of kindness lately.  I think I'm hungry for something more beautiful and less complicated than my own life.

I cry at commercials, at bad television shows, inspirational videos, my dog playing with me, so effortlessly happy in her running around that I want to choke on my own inability to be--simply--joyful.  Where did that go?  Honestly.  I have no idea.  I used to count myself a pretty joyful person, optimistic, hopeful, ready to believe that all would be well with little to no encouragement because beauty and possibility trumped darkness and fatality at every turn.  But, now...

Not so much.

The person I want to be--strong, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, loving, loved, inquisitive, trusting--is in here somewhere, I know.  I've met her and she's pretty outstanding.  It's just that lately she is buried under this scared little girl who wants guarantees that everything will work out okay.  And because those guarantees don't exist, much as she loves the sun, she'd rather sit in the dark and wait it out, knowing in her heart that all the magic she imagines may be nothing more than illusion, and that these dark hours are all she can count on.

All I want is a little joy.  A little safety.  A little assurance that everything is going to be okay.  I know I can't have it without trusting myself, trusting God, trusting the people I love.  I know that.  It's just easier said than done.