I Would Prefer Not To...

In this crush to resolve, well, everything, I find myself oddly uninterested in resolutions--making them, achieving them, working towards them--in large part because I don't think we ever really resolve anything inyour lives, we just learn how to move through or beyond it. So, when it comes to making resolutions this year, I would prefer not to.

Like Bartleby, I find it profoundly depressing to scuttle through the same slog day in day out with little to no variation, I don't like doing things simply because it is expected of me, and I certainly don't want to live a small life (see Mojo, etc. for an excellent post about this fear). And making resolutions, saying I resolve to do this or that, seems to feed in to all of the three things above. Every year, I--and millions of others--make resolutions that we break within days or weeks simply because our resolve to be resolute is leto than our desire to remain exactly who we are. It's easier to stay static. Change is a bitch in four inch heels with better hair and a more expensive wardrobe than I could ever afford. So screw her.

But, even though I would prefer not to make any resolutions, I find myself fixating on the what ifs. What if I did work harder to save more money, what could I accomplish? Travel? Paying off some of my debt? That elusive beast known as financial security? What if I did lose some weight, not because I need to look better (I really truly do dig how I look, it took awhile, but i'm there), but because I'd like to feel better. A little less back pain, sleeping better because my body was exercised and healthier. And what if I really could let go of all the past hurts and insecurities and live, truly joyously, presently live I this day, this moment, and in the radiant light of a hopeful future? What if what if what it.

So, this year, though I prefer not to make resolutions, I have decided to make myself a few promises about trying. No absolutes, just suggestions for myself ppthat, unlike resolutions, won't leavening me buried in a pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk when I slip up.

This year, I will try to be more forgiving of myself first so that I am more capable of forgiving others.

This year, I will try to place physical health and well being on my list of priorities.

This year, I will try to attend church more not because I need to perform my faith for it to be meaningful but because that space centers me and guides my feet for the week ahead.

This year, I will try to think first before I react to situations that threaten or scare me.

This year, I will try to love myself as unconditionally as I love others.

This year, I will try.