Gold

For the past six months or so, I have been swimming in a river of anxiety and uncertainty, wondering what will happen next, waiting to be happy, expecting the awaited actions of others to deliver the soothing balm of peace to my fear addled heart.  It has been exhausting, and I realize now the truth of Emerson's assertion that "[N]othing can bring you peace but yourself."

For a very long time I have lived my life along the lines of what I thought the right choices were, what could I do that would attract the least attention, how could I hang back and not make a scene.  I have had moments of stepping out of the shadows, but I couldn't live in that light because my gut instincts, my truest impulses and most authentic desires didn't seem to match up with what the world at large seemed to suggest was right--right for the world, maybe, but not right for me.  I have been my own worst enemy, bombarding myself with negative self talk that sought to judge, to berate, and to wear my own self worth down to a fine white dust that choked me whenever I managed even the shallowest breath.

I became terribly good at pretending things were alright.  I carried on jovial conversations at work and in my personal life, I made strides towards professional and personal progress, and I called on friends when I had a rough day, but never when I had a truly awful one because I harbored an irrational fear of being a burden to the very people who love me most.  I know, now, that I am no burden; I am deserving of kindness and love as much--if not more--in my weakest moments as I am in my strongest ones.

And I know now that I have the right to choose my own path, to stop worrying about what others will say or think and do what is right for me.  Eckhart Tolle said "Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no real purpose," and while I have given lip service to that concept many times, I have not internalized it or allowed myself to believe that my choices, my voice, were enough.

Today, I am beginning to learn that they are.  Today, I am beginning to learn that it is.  Today, I am beginning to learn that all of life is a river and my place in it as natural, as perfect, and as valuable as the gold that glinted up at panhandlers who flocked west for a brighter dream.  And if I want to shine in that river, polished to perfection by each swirl of the curling current, I will.