Detach from Hope

I read a phrase today that has been haunting me: "Detach from the outcome."  The central premise is that if you can detach from the outcome of events as you believe they should be, then you can free yourself to live in this moment instead of living in one that may or may not come true.  While I know in my heart this is a smart way to live, it's very difficult for me to do it.

This idea dovetails with something I heard on NPR this morning.  A man was talking about the disappearance of his father from Libya--he was abducted and tortured and kept in Egypt and has not been heard from or seen--and the man said there is of course always hope that his father is still alive.  His body has never been found and there is no way of knowing if he is or isn't.  The man said that while hope is a commodity we now throw around for political purposes--and that is something that has culturally been perceived as good--the truth about hope is that it never allows to live for what you have and are certain of because it implies that there may be something else.  This can lead to anxiety and a general disquiet that never leaves you.

I have always been a hopeful person.  I have prided myself on it in fact, being able to believe that things would be alright, that all would be well.  Now I'm questioning if that has been good for me or not.  Believing that things will be better someday, believing in the idea of soon, believing in the promises of what could be--it's pretty naive, and it is unrealistic since we have no control over what could be.  Even those who claim to love of us most can throw us off like we're nothing, so perhaps living any moment other than this one--living in hope--is childish.  Maybe it's time to just live in this moment now, maybe it's time to grow up and accept that love and joy aren't things that everyone gets in this life.

The thing about now, though, is that it is terrible.  I am sad, and I can't seem to move past it, and while the blurry face of hope materializes every once in awhile, it never quite comes all the way into focus which, I guess, means maybe it's time to stop trying to see that face.

It's going to be pretty lonely around here without it, but then again, it's been pretty lonely around here for a really long time.