happythankyoumoreplease

Laundry and a lazy Saturday morning have afforded me the time to watch a movie I've been thinking about seeing for awhile: Josh Radnor's "happythankyoumoreplease."  Without giving away plot points, I will say that the struggles of the characters were infinitely relatable, particularly Malin Ackerman's alopecia suffering Annie.  The dinner scene with her and Tony Hale alone is worth the price of rental.

What struck me most is the concept that, with gratitude, the universe is abundant.  If, in every circumstance, we can be happy for whatever lesson is being presented to us, say thank you, and ask for more, please, we reframe the events that happen in our lives and are able to move more gracefully through them.  This concept, fundamental and good and easy enough to think about, is horribly difficult to implement, particularly when the universe keeps knocking at your door with more and more bad news.

In the past year, I've gone through a divorce, another powerful and important relationship in my life has ended, and my mom went through her third bout with cancer.  Any one of those things would have been enough to send me reeling, but the trifecta has been a stunning lesson in relinquishing control and allowing God and the universe to lead me where I need to go.  The end of my marriage was sad on levels I couldn't begin to articulate--how does one talk about the agony of every plan for the rest of your life falling through?  In that loss, I had to confront my fears of being alone and that somehow I was the reason for all that had gone wrong between us.  I wasn't, of course.  Two people are in every relationship and both people are accountable for what works and what doesn't, but in the swirl of the dissolve, I felt responsible for all of it.

The relationship that ended recently is a slowly twisting dull knife in the center of my chest.  The man in question is, at heart, good and kind and beautiful, but his own insecurities and fears ate away at him until the man I knew and loved, respected and trusted simply disappeared.  I have no idea who he is now, and that is breathtaking.

And finally, my mother's cancer...she is fine, now, in a maintenance program designed to keep another relapse from occurring.  What made this round so difficult for me is that it brought up all these unresolved feelings about her second round, ten years ago, when she had a stem cell transplant and I thought she was going to die.  I was spent much of that time with her at the hospital in Wichita and overnight in a patient apartment, and while I know I was the best person at the time to do it, it messed me up in ways I never dealt with.  Not because my parents did anything wrong, not because there was someone else or some other alternative, but because I imposed strict rules on myself about my right to be sad or scared.  I convinced myself I couldn't get upset, that if I broke everyone else would, and that is simply not true.  I did that to myself, I placed those heavy perfectionist walls around my heart, and now I am dealing with it for the first time because, as they say, if you don't deal with your shit, your shit deals with you, and boy...is it ever.

My point here is that if I can put the principle of gratitude into practice--happythankyoumoreplease--maybe I can stop trying so hard to figure out where I went wrong (marriage, relationship, etc.) and I can start being thankful for those experiences because they led me to this path, to this moment, to this place where I am now.  I don't want to wallow or worry my whole life, I want to be joyful, filled with light and laughter.  I want to be graceful even in the middle of searing pain.

So, today, universe, as regards the past year of struggle and heartache and fears, I say: Thank you.  More, please.