The Book of Love

There is a song by The Magnetic Fields called "The Book of Love," that Peter Gabriel covered (I know, there's humor in the original, Gabriel's is more of a ballad).  And every time I hear the Gabriel version (and I mean EVERY time)--brings me to tears.  There is something in it that grips my heart and pulls it up into my throat until I am gulping back sobs that want to take over my whole body.


The first time I heard it, and the time tonight that prompted this post, was in the film "Shall We Dance" with Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon, and Jennifer Lopez.  I have a thing for Sarandon--ever since Bull Durham I have wanted to, in one way or another, be her--and I secretly love Lopez, too.  I think she is simply beautiful, and I believe her in films.  Is she the greatest actress?  Well, she's certainly no Sarandon, but there's something likable about her.  And so, I watch this movie whenever I see it is on, and the song slays me again and again.


The thing is, every time I hear this song, I imagine someone saying these words to me or--better yet--proposing while this song plays.  I know, I know.  Silly.  But, see, I never had a real romantic proposal.  I love my ex-husband, he is a good man, a wonderful friend, but we both played at marriage like two kids who felt like it was what grown ups did; neither of us really knew what that meant.  So, the proposal wasn't thought out or romantic at all, it just sort of happened.  And I didn't think I minded at the time because I'd convinced myself I didn't need or want some elaborate thing, but honestly, I did.  


I do.


So, silly as it may sound, I want every damn thing in this song.  Someone to love me like this.  It may be a long time before I have that, but I believe I will someday because I deserve it.  


We all do.