Faith

Trying to let go of the need to control the universe is exhausting.  I spend half my day, it seems, trying to conform the world to my vision of how it should be rather than conforming myself to the reality of the world and that, according to GB Shaw, is a surefire sign that I am an irrational human being.  Pretty sure he's right.

Lately I've been asked to blindly trust that certain things are going to go well: finances, personal life, the health of loved ones.  As a woman of faith, I know there is a greater plan that has already decided these things, but as a woman of letters, I also wholeheartedly believe in the power of free will and so I am torn, most days, by the desire to trust and the fundamentally ingrained tendency to doubt and speculate.

I do not need proof of God to believe in Him, I feel His presence in my life and that is enough.  I see His acts and love in action in the world, and that is enough.  These things are, I suppose, my proof.  Where others see senseless acts of random kindness, I see God.  Where you might see a scientifically explainable situation, I say the science behind the situation is proof of something miraculous.

Albert Einstein said there were two ways of looking at the world: as if nothing is a miracle or as if everything is.  I am trying desperately to follow the latter.  But, as is the case of all fallible humans on this little blue planet, I trip up.  I get caught in the trap of wanting what I want right now, wanting my vision of the world to come true immediately, wanting the world, as aforementioned, to conform to me, even when I know such wants are ridiculous.

Troy Girsgonelle believes that being in love is chemical while loving someone is active, and not always pleasant.  That to truly love someone we must be willing to sacrifice our wants for the sake of what it is they need in the moment.  While it is easy for me to follow this logic in terms of those I love--I will always and without hesitation sacrifice for them, it is the right way and only way for me to behave (no judgment if you disagree, it's not for everyone--but I've been thinking a lot about how this applies to loving ourselves.  If I have a vision for what should be, what I actually believe will come to be, then maybe--just maybe--I ought to be willing to sacrifice my want of the culmination occurring now in exchange for loving myself enough to wait for things to happen as they must.

[Cryptic enough for you?  There are just certain aspects of my life I'm just not comfortable writing about on the interwebs.  However, I am grappling with these concepts, so they feel like good blog fodder.]

I guess my point here is that I'm wondering how to do it, to just believe that things will all work out for the best, to have faith not only that the universe will provide & that God has a plan, but that those provisions and plans mirror what it is I want.  Of course, I know that's not how it works.  The act of faith means not expecting what happens to follow your preconceived notions, but instead trusting, blindly.

So here's to trying not to see in the dark any more.  To breathing deep.  To saying yes.  To faith.