Trust/Doubt

“Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason."--Ralph Waldo Emerson
I love Emerson.  I love his transcendental point of view, his affirmational writing style in Self-Reliance, his awe of nature, his conviction that there was a better way for society to progress and that we, as members of it, were the key to that success.  Not just our elected officials or representatives, but we ourselves were the voices and vehicles by which change must occur.


But this quotation, this concept of trust, is rankling me tonight.  I am a woman of faith, more active now in that regard than I have been since my childhood, and I am a woman of forgiveness, believing that in order to move forward, to progress, I have to forgive the transgressions of those who have hurt me if only so that I can be set free from the pain of their prior acts.  And yet, despite my faithfulness and forgiveness, I am grappling with my own ability to forget the things that have happened in the past and so trust is taking a back seat to Doubt which, it turns out, is a pretty loud and ominous passenger.  


Doubt climbs into the car with all of its bags haphazardly packed and won't let you throw them in the trunk or in the backseat.  Doubt carries all its baggage in its lap, right out in the open.  Doubt's bags make it hard to see out the side mirror, to maneuver the air vents, to change the cd or radio station.  
Doubt takes up so much space; don't even think about using the cupholder.  


Doubt does not want to talk to you.  Or, more accurately, Doubt doesn't want you to talk.  Doubt sucks up all the air in the car and sets loose on a long and winding story that never seems to end, circling back again and again to that point in time that led you to invite Doubt in in the first place, a time so dark you don't remember what day it was, what the weather was like or whether or not you remembered to eat.  
Doubt has no interest in current affairs, future plans, or the good news of the day; Doubt wants to rehash the past, to scratch and claw at those old wounds until the scars left behind are jagged, weeping welts of pain, oozing and open to the elements, unable to heal without immediate and expert attention that you, driver, cannot see to just now.


I want to kick Doubt the hell out of the car.  I want to go back to the rest area where I fist met Doubt and avert my eyes when Doubt looks my way.  I want Doubt to sit in the rain, cold and lonely, waiting for some other poor sucker to come along and pick Doubt up.  I want to, but I am having the damnedest time making it happen and that may be because Doubt is one rational son-of-a-bitch.  All of Doubts arguments make sense.  Doubt says, "this happened before, it could--and probably will given your luck--happen again, so don't get your hopes up."  Doubt is a master of empirical and anecdotal evidence.  That's what makes Doubt so popular at conventions.  


But, I am sick of Doubt.  I am sick of the way Doubt smells--sour like laundry you forgot in the washing machine overnight--and I am sick of Doubt's heavy breathing when Doubt sleeps.  Mostly, though, I am sick of being unable to hear myself think as Doubt huffs and puffs and sighs through our journey together, so I think it's time to pull over, open the door, and run for my life, trusting I'll find a path worth taking before too long.


I never liked that car anyway, and besides, I feel like walking.

Amen

From www.dailyom.com:

Without a Net
Living Life with Trust

Living life without a net can be just what we need to step outside of ourselves and make the choices we need most.

As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there.

If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us.

We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly.

When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way.