Revelation

I figured out today that at the heart of every single thing I am anxious about, afraid of, nauseated and confused by, lies a deep, rich, three-pack a day fear of being alone.

That fear moved in a long time ago, dragging its dirty boots across my carpet, leaving thick stains that no steam or solvent can remove.  It took over rooms in my heart, throwing dark curtains up, burning its foul herbs in little ashcans, smoking out the sweetness that used to live here, buying up prime real estate from the hope and joy that lived side by side for years.

I am trying, desperately, to evict that fear.  I know, with no intended arrogance, that I am smart, funny, kind, and beautiful.  I believe these things to be true and so they are.  After all, all we have in this world are the things we believe in, so I guess I'd better stop believing in the ludicrous notion that I will be alone, right?

But where are the examples of strong, single women throughout history?  I mean, where are the ladies who--without any romantic relationship to speak of--found true happiness?  And, frankly, even if you find me those examples, I'm not going to be placated because I believe in the power of sharing my life with someone, I want that desperately, but I have NO control over whether or not it happens.  None.   And that, too, scares the living bejeezus out of me.

Okay, enough of this.  It is late, and fear is trying to call up all his friends--speculation, worry, and doubt--so I'm going to turn off all the lights and shut their party down.  Here's to trying, each and every day, to be a little less afraid.